Choices..

I have always had a job. Work was a little therapeutic for me. A means to an end at times and an escape from life’s everyday troubles at others. When i was 14 i marched myself into the local restaurant and asked for a job. I ended up waitressing all through high school and University and only stopped when i graduated and decided i should probably use the degree i just worked so hard to earn. I ended up as a small business banker ( everyones dream job i know :) and there i have stayed, taking a leave after i had Ava and again with Knox. But now all of a sudden it is getting close to the time i should be going back to work and i don't know if i want to.


With Ava it was a no brainer, of course i would go back to work. I knew i wanted another child and i wanted them as close together as i could handle it, so the plan was to work long enough to get leave again. And thats exactly what i did. This time the decision is not so simple.


I always thought i would for sure stay home after i had 2 kids. The cost of day care plus the cost of not spending all that time with them, seemed like too much. But as the date gets nearer and our expenses have grown, i'm finding it a lot harder to make that final decision. We still haven't decided if we are going to have another child or not so i can't even go back with the notion that i might be able to take leave again.


There are so many factors to consider and the consequence of each choice is weighing on me. What if i don't go back and when i am ready to join the workforce again, there is nothing available that is as good as the job i have now. Will we be able to live off of just Matts income? Will i be able to stay home with the kids everyday and not crave the challenges and company of my coworkers? On the other hand if i do go back i will miss all those irreplaceable moments with my kids. Putting Knox down for a nap and watching his eyelids slowly get heavy with sleep. Making crafts with Ava and long walks with both of them. The sweet moments where they tell me they love me or give me a hug. I know i will only have those for so long and i really don't want to miss that.


It seems like either choice has both pros and cons. And i know there isn't a right or wrong choice, there is just a choice. So i guess i will continue to ponder what to do and hope that in the mean time a sign will come my way pointing me which choice to choose.